Random Clippettes
by ForbiddenDreams13
Summary: Just some funny scenes that pop into my head at random times. There might be some implied AxI and SxP later.
1. Movies and Alucard

**This is a spontaneous fanfic idea that just randomly came to me while I was at work a few weeks back. **

"Master, what if we don't make it? I mean, an army of biologically created ghouls?"

Alucard sighed. This was getting annoying. Around fifteen minutes ago, he an Seras had been briefed on a mission that took place on the southern end of London in a not too public research facility that specialized in nanotechnology. Apparently they had gotten a bit brazen, and had somehow managed to capture a live ghoul (search for said ghouls creator was being carried out by the soldiers) and take tissue samples, along with blood samples. After growing body parts on their labs rats, (AN: True story, scientists actually grew a human ear on the back of a lab rat.) they infused the samples with living blood and nano machines, thus creating their very own pet ghoul.

Afterward, while the two of them went about loading their weapons, and preparing, Seras was trembling, almost certain that they would not come out alive. Honestly, fledglings these days. Such little confidence they had in their newfound strengths.

"Police Girl, for the last time, you're overreacting. A few ghouls are nothing. They're simply Freak Vampires lowered to absolute base level."

"But Master! We've never fought anything suped up with Nan machines before!"

This was getting him nowhere. She needed some inspiration. But what would do? Suddenly, an idea grasped him. He smiled, it would be perfect! Next to Alucard, Seras gulped. Nothing was ever good when her master smiled. She was jerked out of her reverie by Alucard's hand clamping down on her shoulders. Thank God she was vampire, otherwise the force would have probably dislocated both arms. Alucard had a mad gleam in his eye, and his fangs were bared in a maniacal smile.

"Police Girl, in the face of danger, you must never show fear. You must straighten your back, and hold you head high. And remember Police Girl, always remember…"

The room around him blackened, as a pillar erupted from the ground, putting Alucard some twenty feet off the ground. He clenched his fist dramatically, and yelled to the heavens.

"THIS. IS. **SPARTA!!!!!!"**

Lightning flashed in the background. The ground sunk back to its original level, and the room brightened. Seras, poor Seras was so confused. The sound of Integra's voice caught both vampires' attention.

"Alucard, I'm not letting you near the television for another month!"

"What?!"

Realizing she had been forgotten temporarily, Seras seized the opportunity, and snuck out of the room. Integra was right, television was just no good for Alucard.

**Done! **


	2. Learning to Drive Part 1

**My dad was teaching my how to drive a manual this morning, and I got to wondering if Integra was taught how to drive. (Not a good idea for a learner though! I almost ran the car into the curb! We were practicing at my high school parking lot) And these things just came to me.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing, If I did, Integra and Alucard would be an item already. Also, the contents of this first chapter go to my dad. Thanks.**

"Put you foot on the clutch, and shift the car into first gear."

Integra did as she was told. Bringing her left foot down on the clutch pedal, she shifted the gears clear to the upper left. Beside her, Walter nodded, while in the backseat Alucard dozed. Inwardly, Integra sighed. Truthfully she would have rather had it been just her and Walter, but her vampire insisted on being there for 'moral support'. The fifteen year old could only dream of why he would want to offer moral support, much less sit in the back seat of a car for a while.

"Alright, good. Now, ease up on the clutch, and give it some gas. We'll start off slow. Since you're starting out, you probably shouldn't go over ten miles an hour."

"Ten miles. Got it."

From the back she heard a snort of laughter. Glaring, she whipped her head around.

"Is something funny vampire?"

No response from the 'sleeping.' man in the backseat. Walter rolled his eyes.

"Never mind him Integra. I doubt he even knew what a car _was _when he was your age."

"When I was her age Walter, I was currently being held by Turks."

"You didn't even know that a Ford ZX2 was a type of car, until I told you. Even then you didn't believe me until Walter and I showed you."

Alucard opened one eye. It amazed Integra how much he reminded her of a ticked off cat.

"Aren't you supposed to be learning how to drive?"

"And you're supposed to be sleeping."

Smirking, he closed his eye, and laid his head back down. Integra turned around, and slowly began to lift her foot of the clutch.

"Now, you should feel the engine begin to catch. At that point, you'll apply the gas. Gradually of course."

They were in an old parking lot for a factory building which had been torn down years ago. It had been a stainless steel manufacture. But that was trivial matter now. Integra tuned her senses into the car, waiting for the engine to catch. She could feel a small shudder.

"Now give it some gas.'

The engine revved.

"Not so much. Don't stomp on it."

Stomp? She had barely put her foot down. She let off the gas, and continued to let go of the clutch. Until the car lurched and the engine died. Integra stopped, and looked down at her feet. Alucard once again opened one eye.

"Um…what just happened?"

"You killed the engine."

Now both of Alucard's eyes opened.

"You can kill a car? Really? Master, do that again. I want to see how many times you can 'kill' this car."

"That's not the point of teaching her how to drive Alucard."

"But it's fun."

"Will you shut up?! I need to concentrate!."

"Concentrate?"

"Unless you know how to drive?"

"Never needed to know how."

"Do you know how to fly?"

"What does that have to do with anything Master?"

"Because I'm going to throw you out!"

Integra could feel a headache coming on. She was going to need some aspirin, but then again, what pills could cure a vampire induced mini migraine? Sighing, she turned the car back on, and pressed her foot on the clutch once again. The engine revved again, but Integra didn't instantly let go of the clutch this time. Instead, she lifted her foot off the gas, a little while continuing to depress the clutch.

"Very good. Now take your foot completely off the clutch, and begin to drive."

Gripping the steering wheel, Integra did as she was told. The car started forward easily, as the young Hellsing's eyes dropped to the speedometer to make sure that the pointer did not exceed the number ten.

"Now make a left turn. Slow down a little, then speed up when you come out of your turn."

She executed her task brilliantly. She was about to circle the parking lot as Walter had instructed her when she began coming out of her turn, but , he changed his mind.

"On second thought, let's try parking."

"Sure thing!"

Bad mistake on Walter's part. Being an experienced driver for quite some time, it is pretty safe to assume that he had forgotten that Integra still didn't know most of the basics. And so, instead of guiding the car into a parking spot like he thought, Integra cranked the wheel to the right, causing the car to spin out.

"Walter! What do I do?!"

"Let off the gas!"

"I did!"

"You let off the clutch!"

"Then I'll hit the brake!"

"Integra wait! Don't-"

Screech! Thunk!

Once more, Integra had managed to kill the engine. Integra sat in the driver's seat, white knuckling the wheel, and panting. Walter had his hands locked around the dash. Both were dreadfully pale. Trembling a little, Integra managed to work up the courage to speak.

"A-Are you alright…Walter?"

He nodded, wiping a hand across his face to reset his emotional dials. The stress of those few minutes had really whacked everything up.

"Oh God! Walter! What about Alucard! He wasn't wearing a seat belt!"

"Now now, it's not like we crashed…"

"That doesn't matter! Alucard, are you-"

He demand was cut short the moment her eyes took stock of the back seat. No Alucard. Scrutinizing the back seat, she realized he probably just fazed out of the car in all the confusion. She turned around, and peered in the rear-view mirror. No one behind the car. She looked out the windshield. Nothing. Integra even went so far as to roll down her window, and lean halfway out of the car, in order to find some evidence of him. What she got was nothing but empty space.

"I say, what's that noise?"

The car seemed to be making some kind of rattling sound. Almost like it was shaking. Wait a minute…the car _was _shaking! It was very slight but when she looked at her rear-view mirror, she could see it jitter just a little. Then, she looked up.

"What the…"

Clinging to the inside roof of the car was Alucard. And was he…was he really? Yes! He was! Alucard was shaking! That's what was causing the car to shake and rattle. _Now all it needs to do is roll. _But, Elvis joking aside, this was priceless! Alucard, the number one Nosferatu, the No-Life King himself, was shaking! _Damn! Where's my camera for moments like these? _Timidly, looking a bit like either a little kid, or a puppy, he opened one eye, and looked down at Walter.

"Is it over? Oh dear God is it over?"

Integra had to bite her lips hard to keep from laughing, and it looked like Walter was doing the same.

"Yes, it's all over. Next time, wear a seat belt. Now then,"

Walter averted his gaze from the trembling wreck of vampire back to the fifteen year old who had regained her composure.

"Why don't I switch places with you, then we'll go home."

"Alright."

On the way back, a question arose in Integra's mind. When they were halfway back to the Hellsing manor, Integra decided to ask it.

"Hey Alucard."

"Hm?"

After the incident with the right turn, Alucard had been too wired up to fall asleep, and now was staring out the window. He appeared to be the picture of calm, however, if there would have been someone in the backseat with him, they would have noticed how his left hand would twitch every time Walter made a turn.

"I was wondering, when the car spun out like that. Why didn't you just evaporate through the car?"

"I wasn't thinking of that at the time."

"What were you thinking about?"

"You really want to know?"

"Yes."

"Why the hell is there no brake back here?!"

Integra burst out laughing.

**Second chapter done! **


	3. Part 2: Lisence Obtained!

**Whoo boy, I've been away for a while! Let's just say distraction came in the form of Yu Yu Hakusho, Pandora Hearts, and Kuroshitsuji. At any rate, my Hellsing fandom is refilled, and I'm ready to go back to this fic!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, and regret nothing. No, not even using these characters for cheap laughs.**

* * *

It had finally happened.

The time had come.

Integral Faibrook Wingates Hellsing finally had her driver's license.

Now, while that may not seem that great of a feat to some, to the sixteen year-old, it was a monumentous occasion, And so, here she sat, behind the wheel of the car, tapping her fingers on the steering wheel, waiting for the light to change. Behind her, an impatient driver honked his horn, oblivious to the warm colored light hanging from a street post, barring their way. Irritated at the man's ignorance, Integra muttered to herself.

"Oh please, it's a red light idiot. Sit there and be patient."

"I can do something about it if you'd like Master."

Integra sighed and resisted the urge to smack her head against the steering wheel. After the numerous, albeit funny, mishaps that had occurred on the road to getting her driver's license, Integra would have thought that her pet vampire would want to steer clear of cars altogether. Apparently, her servant was a glutton for punishment. Not that this surprised her.

"No Alucard, that isn't necessary."

Cue a pouting vampire in the backseat. "Please?"

"Alucard. It's broad daylight, in the middle of public, and we're on a very busy street. Someone is bound to remember a strange man with a large gun shooting the driver of the vehicle behind him. No."

The last word came out through gritted teeth. Did he enjoy annoying her? Integra sighed again. _I really should know that answer to that question by now. _She thought. Alucard chuckled. Then, another thought struck the young Hellsing, and forgetting about the stuck light in front of her, turned around to face her pet vampire.

"By the way, what are you doing up in the middle of the day? Shouldn't you be at home, sound asleep in your coffin?"

A smile, followed by "I like accompanying you on your travels Master. Is there anything wrong with that?"

"Other than the fact that by being here right now, you're defying vampire logic?"

"My kind don't have logic. You know that."

"True."

A chorus of car horns cut their conversation short. Integra jumped, much to the amusement of her servant.

"For God's sake, the light's still red!"

"Actually it's green now. Whatever that means." Alucard said, leaning forward and pointing. Aggravated, Integra hit the gas, satisfying the impatient drivers behind her.

The drive remained silent until they were on one of the back roads, and Alucard suddenly yelled, "Squirrel!"

Integra looked down just in time to see the bushy-tailed rodent, frozen in fear, staring up at the huge metal monster rushing towards it. She let out a yell, then swerved violently to the right, avoiding the squirrel, and went right into the other lane…of oncoming traffic. Integra took her hands off the wheel for a moment and tried to still her fluttering heart. At least she hadn't hit the squirrel.

"Uh, Master?"

"What is it now, vampire?"

"Well, don't look now, but there appears to be another car coming…and it's heading straight for this car."

As if on cue, the distant sound of a horn blaring snapped Integra's attention back to the road. Not even bothering to look up, she backed up and swerved back into the correct line. A few moments later, the car in the opposite lane rushed past, the driver yelling at her as he went on by. Second crisis of the day averted, Integra pressed down on the accelerator and sped on her way. Silence hung in the air; the human in the driver's seat concentrating on the road, and the vampire in the backseat staring blankly out at the passing scenery. When they were a few miles down the road, Integra spoke.

"Honestly, this is the last time I let you come with me when I go driving."

"What? Why Master? You were the one who pulled into the lane of on-coming traffic."

"Only because somebody yelled 'Squirrel!'!"

"You didn't have to swerve clear into the other lane."

"Oh, so it would have been better if I'd just hit and killed the poor thing?" Unbeknownst to Integra, the more she lost her temper, the more her foot pressed down the gas pedal. She and her servant continued to bicker for a good five miles down the road, where they zoomed past a speed trap, set by a craft police officer. The speed of the car driving by blinked in green lights on the device used to measure the speed of passing cars. Seventy-three miles per hour! The cop whistled and pulled onto the road. What a lead foot he had here.

Meanwhile, in the car with Alucard and Integra, the argument had shifted from the road to the house, both parties unaware of their pursuer.

"Alright then! Justify your reasons as to why you constantly feel the need to invade my privacy!'

"Appearing in your dreams isn't an invasion of privacy now."

"Dreams reside in the depths of my mind while I sleep, therefore they are private!"

"You're just upset because I happened to enter into what you would dub 'a romantic dream'."

"Which you ruined!"

"Hey, how was I supposed to know your dream wasn't going to turn into a nightmare, and the guy holding you wasn't going to hurt you?"

"Because it's a _dream _stupid! I swear, I've heard of being over-protective, but there's a limit."

"There is no limit where you are concerned, Master."

"Well, look, that's flattering but-"

"Say, what are those lights flashing behind-"

Bweoooop! (A/N: For the sake of your brain cells, please pretend that is the noise a police siren makes.)

Integra glanced in the overhead mirror and groaned. A police car, how wonderful. Muttering under her breath, she pulled off onto the shoulder, the cop following close behind like a loyal dog. As Integra turned off the ignition, she heard the cop get out of his car and shut the door. She rolled down the window and tried to hide her growing anger, mostly aimed at the snickering vampire in the back seat. The officer leaned down and looked in at Integra,

"Good afternoon Miss."

"H-Hello officer." Integra replied.

The officer smiled. "Now Miss, do you know why I pulled you over?"

Was that supposed to be a joke? Was he mocking her? He knew she had no idea! The nerve if this man! Taunting the person who was responsible for giving him a peaceful, vampire free sleep! Fool. Her teeth began to creak from her grinding them, and she had about had it with Alucard and his quiet3 chuckling. _Pull it together Integra. You can just ignore him. Now…calm… _she thought, taking a deep breath before responding.

"No officer, I don't."

"Well Miss, I clocked you doing seventy-three miles per hour. Now, can you tell me what the speed limit is on this road here?"

The speed limit? Of _this _road? Oh hell… She'd passed a sign when she and Alucard had been arguing, but she hadn't taken any notice of it. Well, best to venture a guess then.

"Erm…sixty?"

The cop clucked his tongue. "Close, sixty-five. You were going eight miles over. You're lucky I caught you after the speed limit change. About ten miles back from here, before you hit that sign, the speed limit's fifty-five. Had I caught you there, I would have had to write you up for reckless driving."

Shit, now she was going to get a ticket for speeding. Luckily (or perhaps not, at least from Integra's point of view) it wasn't reckless driving. If she did get a ticket, she could clear that from her record. She turned her ice blue eyes on the cop, trying to act like the innocent teenage girl she knew she was not.

"I guess this means I get a ticket now."

"Sadly, yes." The cop said, smile growing even broader. Damn it! He was supposed to say, 'Well if this is your first offense, I suppose I can let it go.' Must have been one ticket away from meeting his quota. A piece of yellow paper shoved itself under her nose.

"Now Miss, if you'll please pay the price by the date listed on the ticket there, I don't think you'll have any further problems. That is, if you keep your eye on your speedometer that is."

"She snatched the ticket. "Yes, thank you."

"Alright then, have a good day."

"You too."

She waited until the cop had driven away before smacking her head on the steering wheel. She didn't want to look at the price on that ticket. Great, she'd pissed off a bunch of drivers at a red light, nearly hit a squirrel, had nearly gotten hit herself, and now had a speeding ticket to pay off. And all thanks to her damned vampire! Speaking of which… Integra turned around and eyed her vampire with a freezing glare. He, in turn, gave her a butter melting smile.

"Something troubles you Master?"

"Aside from all that snickering you were doing, you were oddly quiet."

"Why add to the already wonderful comedy unfolding before me? I thought you and that police officer were doing fine on your own."

"Git."

Alucard let a dark chuckle chill the air inside the car. "Ah, how I love it when you call me names Master."

Integra turned around and started the car. "Whatever, I'm going home."

"Of course."

"Oh shut up!"

Approximately one hour later….

Walter looker up as he heard the front door slam. Well, to say it slammed wasn't entirely correct, but it did shut rather hard. The Hellsing butler finished drying the plate he was holding, set it in the cupboard, and went out of the kitchen to greet his lady. In the foyer, a young Sir Integra Hellsing was striding angrily for the stairs, her vampire not far behind. From his distance, he could see Alucard's lips move, and Integra round on him in fury. Walter sighed. Integra he could see, but Alucard, honestly, why couldn't he just act his age? Or rather, the age an unknowing bystander would assume him at? Better make his presence known, lest the argument drag on. He stepped further into the room and cleared his throat.

"Welcome home, Sir Integra."

"Oh, hello Walter." She acknowledged him, but the ice had not completely left her tone. Walter wondered what had happened during her outing that had made her so upset. She rarely ever let her anger linger long enough to let a remark to him be infected by its tone. He brushed it off as another one of thos Alucard after effects/.

"Walter?"

"Yes, Sir Integra?"

"I'm going to my office now."

Walter nodded. "I'll prepare some Ceylon tea right away."

"Thank you." She said, and turned from him. He watched her depart. Although the ice in her tone had melted, her anger was still evident in the way she walked. After she had rounded the corner and was well out of earshot, Walter turned to the vampire.

"Alright, now what did you do?"

Alucard held up his hands in a 'Who, me?' gesture. Walter did not grace him with a response. The nosferatu chuckled.

"Our lovely little mistress had a little run-in with the law earlier this afternoon."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Oh, she got what's called a speeding ticket, or something of that sort. I wasn't really paying attention."

"And I'm guessing we can somehow trace this back to you."

"Why does everyone assume _I'm _the culprit?"

"Are you?"

"Most of the time, yes."

Walter sighed and shook his head.

* * *

**Sorry if this wasn't as funny. At any rate, keep the comments flowing in.**


	4. Why Are There Letters?

**Hello Hellsing fans. Welcome to the fourth chapter of Random Clippettes.**

**Disclaimer: Hellsing and all its characters belong to Kohta Hirano-sama. I am but a humble fanfic writer who borrows these characters as a means of passing time on boring Sunday afternoons.**

* * *

A disgruntled sigh broke the silence, followed up by the relentless tapping of a pencil against a notebook. Thirteen year-old Integra Hellsing glared down at the textbook, as if trying to scare the problems into working themselves out. She closed her eyes and pushed her glasses back up the bridge of her nose. As the leader of the Hellsing Organization, she had better and far more pressing matters to deal with then the finding of the oh-so-elusive-letter 'x'; but try telling that to her instructor. After her father had died, and after the three-day chaos had passed, she had been enrolled in a private academy where she could continue her studies. Integra had grudgingly accepted, knowing that there was no possible way of convincing her butler otherwise.

In all reality, she hadn't been too terribly upset about the prospect of going to school; she enjoyed learning, it came coupled with her determination to make her father proud. She found history fascinating, loved literature and language studies...she just hated math. It wasn't like she was alone either, tons of students hated math. However, it wasn't as if she could order it gone like her servant vampire. Truth be told, she saw math's significance, especially when figuring budgets and bonuses, Integra just wished it was less tedious. Propping one elbow up on the cherry wood table that sat almost in the middle of the library, she wracked her brains, trying to find a way to tackle the current equation at hand.

As the minutes ticked by, the number of eraser shavings on her notebook piled up. So far, she'd tried various ways of starting the equation, but couldn't find a way to set it up so that there was only one variable to find. The young knight laid her head down on the table. _I can't set up this equation if I have two unknowns, so how the bloody hell so I find y so I can find x? _

A sudden prickling at the back of her scalp alerted her to Alucard's arrival. Without so much as raising her head, she sighed and greeted her servant.

"What do you want, vampire? I'm a bit busy if you can't tell." Okay, so not the best, but given her current frustration with lessons, it could have been worse. Her mind went to the gun that sat snug in its holster on her hip, beneath her dark green skirt.

Rich, smooth chuckling flowed into her ears. "Something causes my master trouble. What ever is it that bothers you, Sir Integra?"

"Nothing that an inhuman needs to be concerned with." she replied, raising her head and brushing eraser bits off of her notebook.

"Oh my, such insults."

"It wasn't an insult. I'm just saying that since you're not human, you don't need to care."

Instead of quipping back at her, Alucard strode forward and looked over her shoulder.

"If I may ask, what are you doing?"

Rolling her eyes, Integra wished that her servant would just leave her alone. She was having enough trouble trying to solve the problem without her pet vampire coming to tease her. "Are you bored Alucard?"

"Not really" was the cheeky reply.

"I'll take that as a yes."

"May I know what it is that has my master so frustrated?"

Integra sighed. Despite his age, he acted like such a child. Right now he reminded her of a child that kept asking why and wouldn't shut up. Laying her pencil in the crook of her textbook, she decided if worse came to worst, she could always shoot him.

"Like I said, it's really nothing; I'm just having trouble figuring out this damned equation."

Inquisitive red eyes peeked from behind her shoulder. Alucard glanced looked over the page, and then turned his gaze towards her notebook. All over the paper, written in hr neat handwriting were various formulas and numbers, the answers of each circled. As he looked both textbook and notebook over, he noticed something odd. He blinked, thinking that an over-consumption of blood from the night before was causing him to hallucinate. When he readjusted his eyesight he saw the same thing. It was puzzling.

"Master?"

"Hm?" Integra only half heard the vampire. Next to the staggering obstacle of math, her pet, for once, was an insignificant bother.

"It's just that I've noticed something a bit odd."

She retrieved her pencil, clicked out the lead and began to copy down the problem. "And that is?"

"Are you sure you're doing arithmetic?"

Incredulous, she put down her pencil and turned to look Alucard. Her servant was looking at her textbook, scrutinizing the problems on the page. His eyes almost seemed to glow as he tried to make sense of the printing on the page. Integra followed the vampire's gaze down to the page and found the equation that he was staring at. Coincidentally, it was the one that was giving her such a hard time. She looked back up at the vampire.

"Of course I'm sure. Look at the very bottom of the page. See how it says 'British principles of mathematics'?"

Alucard shook his head, "It doesn't look like any arithmetic I've ever seen before."

"Why is that?" Integra inquired. Curiosity replaced original annoyance over her servant barging in on her study time. With as long as he'd been around, Integra was under the assumption that there wasn't a whole lot the No-Life King hadn't seen. Alucard stood up and walked over to the chair across from her. The legs made next to no sound as the ancient vampire drew the chair back and sat down. He took her book and pointed at the problem.

"See? It has letters. What kind of math has letters?"

At first Integra didn't respond. She just sat there, blinking at the vampire across the table. Then, her lips split into a grin and her shoulders began to bounce. Finally, when she could hold it in no longer, she began to laugh. Alucard, who did not appreciate being laughed at, regarded the girl with a look of contempt while he waited for her giggling fit to subside. Once she had calmed down, she took off her glasses and wiped her eyes.

"Sorry, it's just that your question caught me off guard was all," she placed her wire-rimmed glasses back on the bridge of her nose, "but in all seriousness, you've never heard of, or seen algebra before?"

Alucard quirked an eyebrow, "Algebra?" he echoed.

Integra nodded, "it's a type of mathematics that comes from the Middle East, I believe." She reached over and took the book back from her vampire and pointed to a random problem on the page, "see you use a letter in place of an unknown number, and then rearrange the other numbers in a way that it allows you to-"

"I didn't ask for a lesson."

Ice blue eyes sparked with mild anger, "you wanted to know about algebra, well now I'm telling you. You don't want to know, keep quiet."

Sensing the futility of arguing, he sat back, indicating Integra to continue. Which she did.

"At any rate, you go by a specific formula that you use to rearrange the numbers so that you can find the unknown. Then once you know the number the variable represents, you're done."

"So why are you taking so long?" Alucard asked, flashing her a toothy grin.

"I didn't say it was simple!" The Hellsing leader growled, hand going towards her hip.

Dark chuckling reverberated throughout the library. He held up his hands in a warding-off gesture.

"You're going to shoot an innocent vampire?"

"That's an oxymoron and you know it! Besides, if you think it's so simple, then you do it!"

"Tch, no thanks."

"So you're saying you don't know either?"

Scarlet irises locked onto the young girl. Her sky blue eyes flashed at him, arrogantly striking a challenge. _What? _The gaze seemed to say, _if I can't do it, certainly you can. _Alucard swallowed the venomous lump of anger building in his throat and glared back. The challenging glare shifted to one of amusement. A smirk curled onto her lips.

"Come on invincible No-Life King, not scared of a few math problems are you?"

Growling, Alucard decided to vacate the premises before he said something that would get him shot. As he walked towards the door his sixth sense alerted him to an object being hurtled his way. Reaching back behind him, he caught the object and noticed something strange. Unlike the plethora of items Integra had lobbed at him before, this one was a lot bigger, a bit thinner too. In fact it felt like a book. He brought it back around to find his suspicion was right. In his left hand, he held a thin paperback book. Curious he glanced back at Integra.

"That's for disturbing me in the middle of my homework. I want you to complete problems one through thirteen on page twenty-three by seven o' clock tonight. Oh, and that's an order."

Alucard narrowed his eyes. "You can't be serious."

Integra smirked once more, "Of course not, but that'll teach you to taunt me when you don't know much about the subject either."

Standing a few feet from the door, Alucard couldn't decide if he should feel relieved or more insulted than before. Instead, he opted for indifference as he tossed the book back at his young master. She caught it without a word and went back to her studies-a sign he was to continue on his way and not disturb her further. He fazed through the door and out into the hall. Off to his right, he saw Walter walking up to the door, pushing a tea cart. The butler blinked, surprised to see Alucard up during the middle of the day.

"Alucard? What are you doing?"

The vampire in question turned to regard the former Angel of Death. Even when he had been in his teenage years, he hadn't been quite as complex as Integra. Was it a female thing? Why did he care?

"Walter," Alucard said shutting down his thoughts, "I would advise you tread lightly while in that room."

Walter suppressed a chuckle as he wondered what Alucard had done this time to get on Integra's nerves. He smiled and nodded, "Very well. Anything else you want to warn me of while I'm on my way in?"

"Yes: don't ask her about what she's working on. She may decide to punish you with algebra."

Canines biting the inside of his lip to prevent laughter, Walter nodded and opened the door to the library. Once he had the door shut, he snickered. _And to think I was worried about how she'd keep him in line. Algebra-based punishment, how creative._

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**Sorry updating took me so long. From vacation without internet to starting my concurrent class, life's been a wild ride this summer.**


	5. A Hellhound for Christmas

**Sorry the chapters have been so long in coming, readers. In order to make up for the uber-slow updating, I give you this Christmas chapter in hopes to make amends.**

**Disclaimer: Hellsing is the property of Kohta Hirano.**

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Early afternoon sunlight poured in through the large window, setting the white tiles in the office ablaze with dazzling light. Outside, fresh snow glittered under the sun. A light breeze kicked up, scattering the decaying leaves in all directions. Integra Hellsing sat at her desk, pen scratching away as she signed yet another form. The female knight sighed, set down her pen, and readjusted her glasses. It could be worse, she supposed. At least during Christmas her work load slowed down. Stretching, Integra picked up her tiny sword and once more set about cutting down her inanimate enemy. Just as she was writing the last few letters of her surname, a sneeze from the corner of the room made her jump, causing her the point of her pen to skew across the page and her 'g' to gain a long tail. Grinding her teeth, Integra laid down her pen and fixed the culprit with an icy glare.

The hellhound in the far corner of the room panted back at her, eight red eyes glowing in the sparse shadows. After a moment of staring, Integra turned away from the annoying creature and grabbed a bottle of white-out. Normally, she was averse to using such things, but she refused to let that mistake stand-even if it had been caused by a vampire's familiar.

About a week or so earlier, Integra had come down with a minor case of the flu. Nothing to worry about, just aggravating as she'd been ordered a few days' worth of bed rest and under no circumstances had she been permitted to go back to work until she was 100% better. Walter and Alucard had teamed up to make sure she stuck to that order. It was almost unnerving how well they knew her. She had recovered faster than anticipated, and had gone back to work without a moment's hesitation, much to Walter and Alucard's disdain. Walter had backed off after Integra had been able to convince him that yes, she did in fact feel much better. Alucard, thanks to his enhanced smell was not so easily deceived. Insisting that he could still smell the faintest traces of illness on her, he had taken to watching her whenever he could. His actions made the Hellsing leader want to pepper her pet full of holes. She didn't need a babysitter! She was twenty-two, damn it! Perturbed, she fixed the hellhound with another glare before turning back to her paper work. As Alucard could not abide being awake during the day, he had his hellhound watch over her instead. Although it was somewhat better (the hellhound didn't talk back after all) it was still just as annoying.

The eight-eyed dog sneezed once more. Integra sighed; she'd had enough of her servant playing nurse-maid. Shoving her chair back, she ordered the beast to stay put and left her office, intent on finding Walter. After about fifteen minutes of hunting through her mansion, she found her faithful butler drying plates and stacking them in the cupboard. Integra knocked on the doorframe to alert him of her presence. The aged butler turned around, smiling upon seeing his lady.

"Good day to you Sir Integra. May I ask what brings you down here?"

Integra smiled, "Walter, do you know if there are still some Christmas bows left?"

"Erm, yes I think so, why do you ask Sir Integra?" Walter asked, reaching behind him for the dish towel.

Integra waved her hand, "Think nothing of it Walter. Do you know where I could find them?"

Walter pointed out into the hall, "Take a right down the hall, and they should be in a plastic bag on the third shelf of the hall closet-second door on your left."

"Thank you," She said, leaving a confused Walter in her wake. As soon as she reached the closet, she opened the door and looked for the bag of bows. There, on the third shelf, just as Walter had said, was the bag. Bows of various sizes and colors peeked out at her from the confines of their clear holding cell. Integra took the bag out and dug through it, searching for a red bow. Green, green, white, silver, too many blue ones to count, where the hell were all the red ones? Just when Integra was ready to bite the bullet and use a white one, she found a small red one stashed clear at the bottom of the bag. As she pulled it out and placed the bag back on the shelf, Integra wondered why so many red bows had been used. Shrugging it off, she closed the door and made her way back to her office.

Immediately upon opening the door, Hellsing's leader found herself almost landing on the floor, courtesy of the black dog that sat whining by the door. Once she had regained her footing, she snapped her fingers at the infernal thing.

"Now look here," she scolded, "I was gone for a few minutes. There was no need to sit that close to the door and nearly trip me as I walked in. You could have easily sat by my desk and waited for me to come back."

The hellhound whined once more, pawing the floor and pouting.

Integra sighed, "Honestly Alucard, you're such a pain, leaving your dog here to be a nuisance." She knelt down in front of the pouting familiar, peeling off the paper on the back of the bow and exposing the sticky side. Upon hearing the noise, the hellhound looked up at her. Integra smiled at it.

"There, there, I'm not going to strike you. After all, you're not the source of my problems." Integra scratched the familiar under the chin with one hand while sticking the bow right on top of its head with the other.

The hellhound whimpered and tried to rub the bow off. Integra snapped her fingers at it.

"No, none of that. Now come on," she said, scooping the furry troublemaker up, "let's go pay Alucard a visit," and with that, she walked out of her office, hellhound resting in her grip.

Downstairs the two of them went, Integra traversing the halls and the hellhound rubbing its head against her chest in a vain attempt to dislodge the crimson bow stuck to its head. Annoyed, Integra gave it one sharp rap to the nose, stopping its movements. Subjecting itself to fate, it hung in her arms, limp like a corpse. Chuckling at the melodramatic creature, she continued her trek down towards the basement. Not a soul did she pass on her way down; which was not surprising considering that today was Christmas Eve and most of her staff and soldiers had taken the day off. She had tried to convince Walter to take the day off, but he had politely refused, telling her that someone had to take care of things around the compound.

The closer Integra drew to the stone corridor that housed Alucard's room, the colder the air became. The hellhound sniffed the air, catching the scent of its master far up ahead. Silence stretched on, the only sound was the clicking of her shoes on the stone. Far off in a distant place, her thoughts were drug back to the present when she felt the hellhound wriggling within her grip. Flicking the beast on the nose, Integra looked down towards the end of the corridor and, sure enough, Alucard's door loomed out from the gathering shadows.

Without missing a step, Integra strode up to the door, opened it, and crossed the threshold into the dank and dark chamber. Blue eyes pierced the shadows, searching for the outline of a coffin hiding in the dark. Finally, she spotted it, just a little bit past the high-backed chair in the center of the room. Smirking, the Iron Maiden walked up to the coffin. When she had reached her destination, she set the hellhound by her feet, knelt down, and rapped on the base of the coffin. A moment of silence passed. Then a sound emitted from the coffin and the lid popped up. A sliver of shadow, much darker than her surroundings, peeped out from the edges of Alucard's last domain. From deep within, a soft, red glow could be seen. The lid continued to lift, falling back and revealing the red-clad vampire. Crimson eyes blinked at the woman, still foggy from sleep.

"Yes Master? What brings you down to my humble chamber during this bright day?"

Instead of answering, Integra reached over, scooped up the hellhound, and plopped it on Alucard's chest.

"Merry Christmas," she said, "now stop placing your mutt in my office."

Alucard blinked at his familiar who, in turn, regarded him with sorrowful eyes, indicating the bow stuck on its head. Sighing, the ancient vampire sat up and maneuvered the creature onto his lap.

"You put a bow on his head," Alucard remarked.

"Brilliant observation."

"Why?"

Integra rolled her eyes, "I'm getting tired of you leaving him in my office during the day so he can watch over me. Let's get this straight: it's been about five days already, I'm pretty sure the last traces of illness have left me, _I'm fine._" The lady knight accented the last two words, grinding her teeth together to make her servant better understand her annoyance with him.

Alucard chuckled, "Whatever you say Master."

"Good," Integra huffed and spun on her heel. Just before she could begin her walk back upstairs, Alucard's voice stopped her. She turned to face him and before she could reply, found something smacked onto her forehead. Spitting out obscenities, she ripped the offending object off her head, only to find it was the same bow she'd stuck on the hellhound earlier. Eyes of blue rage attempted to burn their way through the vampire's face. Alucard grinned.

"I'd much rather have you as my Christmas present." Alucard said, red eyes flashing with a suggestive mirth.

Enraged beyond comprehension, Integra crumpled the bow within her hand and stalked out of his room, ignoring the snickering vampire behind her.

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**I'm sorry if this didn't seem very funny. Merry Christmas guys!**


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